Dental Hygienists: Fact or Fiction?

[NARRATOR speaks in an English accent as camera pans across Germantown Pike, midday. Cars at a traffic light, an elderly man walking down the sidewalk and into Friendly's. The hiss of cicadas is heard.]

NARRATOR: We begin our journey in the heart of untamed Suburbia, where Fords and Chevys mingle with Hondas and VWs, snarling and chirping a cacophony in the bleaching summer day. This is East Norriton, comfortably set off from the lurid swamps and quicksands of Norristown, and a veritable utopia for Suburbia's most elusive beast: the dental hygienist.

[Cut to walking camera, on BRENDON HARRIS, a middle-aged, red-faced man. As he speaks, HE SCRATCHES his stubble and looks uncomfortable in the heat. When he speaks, English subtitles appear on the screen. The voice of the NARRATOR is heard offscreen.]

NARRATOR: For the ancient denizens of East Norriton, the dental hygienist has an inextricable place in the mythology of these quaint people. This is Brendon Harris, a native who was my guide and interpreter, telling my crew about his people's beliefs:

HARRIS: [deadpan] In the beginning, God created the world, and on the sixth day, he created man.

NARRATOR: Do you mean to say that your god is a dental hygienist, or that the first man was a dental hygienist?

HARRIS: Um... Neither. I mean that God is God and the first man sort of… went around naming things. So he was more like a zoologist, I guess.

NARRATOR: But the second man was a dental hygienist?

HARRIS: No, a woman was created next.

NARRATOR: Was she a dental hygienist?

HARRIS: No! How could there be dental hygienists when there were only two people on earth, sitting in a garden eating fruit?

NARRATOR: Well, fruit has a lot of sugar. I'll bet they wished one of them was a dental hygienist.

[Cut to History Channel-esque picture slideshow of Biblical images, interspersed with illustrations from the Harry Potter books. Tribal music plays.]

NARRATOR: Although Brendon's accent was, at times, difficult to understand, I was able to piece together that East Norritonians' chief god is a dental hygienist called Add'am. They believe Add'am has the powers of conversing with reptiles (so far no connection has been made between Add'am and He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named) and spontaneously creating other gods from his bones.

[Tribal music swells as camera fades to second pan of East Norriton, this time of a park, as NARRATOR speaks. Mothers sit talking as their children swing and ride plastic horses. Tank-topped boys play basketball. Music can be heard blasting from a passing car. Cicadas hiss.]

NARRATOR voiceover: As the primitive civilization of East Norriton begins to feel the impacts of globalization, it is crucial that the East Norritonian way of life be recorded sterilely and in blue or black ink for science. Although the dental hygienist is primarily thought of as folklore, I wanted to prove its existence to the scientific community. With this goal in mind, my camera crew and I started our trek to the site of several alleged dental hygienist spottings: Dr. Check's Family Dentistry.

[Music cuts off dramatically as camera cuts to black, then fades into NARRATOR and HARRIS WALKING down the sidewalk. Camera jolts as the cameraman makes the difficult trek.]

NARRATOR voiceover: Day 1: We follow the path used by the natives, but encounter few. It seems most prefer a commensalistic reliance on automobiles for movement around Suburbia. We know the trek will be long and scorching, but my crew and I are prepared with sufficient rations and SPF 15. We know that if we begin to run low, we can use Brendon's knowledge of the land to find sustenance.

[HARRIS POINTS to a 7-11 and appears to SPEAK a little as THEY continue to WALK down the sidewalk.]

NARRATOR: Notice that this gathering place attracts many languid young males. It is a sign of dominance within their group to loiter closest to the door.

[Fade to NARRATOR, and CREW HOBBLING along the sidewalk, midday. HARRIS shows no signs of fatigue, and LOOKS over his shoulder at the others occasionally.]

NARRATOR: [panting] This is our twelfth day. I feel the growing presence of the dental hygienist. I have been scanning ahead for the beast so long, that I believe I have developed a familial bond, and can tell when it nears.

HARRIS: [wise to the game and a little sick of it] Um... Yeah. It's right there. [HE POINTS to a dentist's office directly in front of them.]

[Camera follows THE TWO as they enter the parking lot. THEY STOP outside the door.]

NARRATOR: I have taken the precaution of dressing in the traditional regalia of the dental hygienist. Now, I rub myself with its pelt to make my scent more natural. [HE OPENS safari jacket to reveal scrub shirt and pants. TAKES OUT sterile rubber gloves, RUBBING face and body. PRESSES FACE against glass in door, and SIGNALS for HARRIS and CREW to follow.]

[Camera follows them in, then pans across the lobby, stopping on the RECEPTIONIST, who LOOKS UP as the GROUP ENTERS. There are patients waiting in the lobby, reading magazines or speaking quietly to squirmy children. All LOOK UP at the group. NARRATOR WALKS onscreen and up to the reception desk.]

RECEPTIONIST: [a little disturbed by the NARRATOR's camera crew, showerlessness, and scrubs] Do you have an appointment?

HARRIS: [interpreting] Do you have an appointment?

NARRATOR: [to camera] We've been spotted.

RECEPTIONIST: Are you with the high school film group?

[NARRATOR signals to camera. HARRIS SHRUGS apologetically at the RECEPTIONIST. NARRATOR RUNS wildly into an examining room, WAVING a toothbrush. Camera does not follow, but stays positioned on the hallway. Loud voices are heard, including the NARRATOR's. NARRATOR STREAKS back in, followed by three angry DENTAL HYGIENISTS. Camera cuts quickly to the GAPING patients in the lobby, then back to the NARRATOR and the HYGIENISTS.]

Narrator: Beautiful creatures, aren't they? [dodging one] Look at them move! I think that we-- [NARRATOR is GRABBED by all three HYGIENISTS by the safari vest. HE is PUSHED out the door. Camera zooms on one HYGIENIST, who TURNS and WALKS towards the camera. Camera is DROPPED, goes to static.]

[Cut to NARRATOR in passenger seat of a jeep, RIDING down Germantown Pike. Camera focuses first on NARRATOR, STARING pensively out the window, then on bumping view of suburban landscape from the car window as NARRATOR’s voiceover plays.]

NARRATOR voiceover: When my time has come to leave Suburbia, I find it difficult to go. I will miss the sun-spotted highway, the similar-looking houses, the condominiums, the shrubbery, but most of all, the indigenous people. I know that the East Norritonians will continue to live as they always have, but now perhaps with more respectful recognition from people of science. For these natives were sure, long before we were, of that exotic, elusive beast, the dental hygienist.