Kiwi

Before we start, we'd like to apologize to those offended by our last post (aka Sam). It was not meant as an insult to lawyers, but to those who make outrageous accusations of companies. As to the McDonalds coffee example, most of the public (including us, apparently) are unaware of the actual facts of the case. Okay, onward to kiwi!

I was walking through SuperFresh the other day when I saw a kiwi. Yeah, that's about all on that subject.

Although I did see a kiwi, I also saw a pineapple recently. This reminded me of a conversation I had with Maeve a while back (and when I say a while, I mean sometime in November or so) about pineapples. I feel the world should know about this revelation on pineapples, so I'm posting about it.

Pineapples. Who ever thought to name it that? It makes it sound spikey, doesn't it? Strangely enough, a pineapple only look spikey. The actual "pines" on the "apple" are no more dangerous then my friend's pug. Actually, that dog really scares me...bad metaphor, but you get the point. So, the question is why did they name it that? We have determined teh pineapples were called that because when they were founded, the founder thought to him/herself, "Hey, those look like apples covered with pines!" Of course, this makes no sense because a pineapple looks nothing like an apple covered with a pine, but that is our reason, nonetheless (doesn't that look like it should be three words?)

We have now determined that they were mistakingly thought to be a spiny apple. Try to follow this next part. I doubt many of you will. What if there were two types of pineapple? There may have been a type of apple covered in spikey pines that looked and tasted like apples...covered with spikey pines. These may have been used for eating purposes, but there is a much more logical explanation. The pineapple was actually a medeival weapon. See, a pineapple (the first type, the one that was covered in spikey pines and tasted and looked like apples) was connected to a chain or rope and swung around. Sound famaliar? A mace. Pineapples were actually the first maces. These pineapples were very deadly weapons, but they had a draw back. After a few hits, they broke and splattered. Thus, a large amount was needed. This first type of pineapple, however, was only able to grow in certain conditions. As a result of the demand and supplies, medeival times used up all the pineapples to extinction. Maces were modeled after pineapples because they were so deadly and dangerous after the pinapple extinction. The world thought that pineapples, at that time, had forever left them...but they were wrong. More on that later.

You may be thinking "Pineapples grow on tropical island, you dope!". Here, you are correct, but who was around to say that a different fruit that looked like an apple covered in pines didn't exist in medieval Europe as well? Who knows, since now they are extinct!

Anyyaw, back to the point. Much, much later, explorers found what we now know as the pineapple. One of the explorers happened to be a descendant of the original pineapple harvesters. It became a tradition in his family to explain the story of the pineapple. Unfortunately, after generations of retelling the story, the actual description of the pineapple became very askewed. The explorer mistook what we now know as a pineapple for the dangerous weapon of the Middle Ages, and said "Hey, guys! Look! A pineapple!" Nobody, of course, knew what he was talking about, but they accepted the name "pineapple" nonetheless (You know what? That really annoys me as one word. I'm going to make it three words.) Nobody, of course, knew what he was talking about, but they accepted the word "pineapple" none the less.

Today, some sects of Pinapplism celebrate festivals honoring the pinapple's long and rich history. Events at these festivals include "The Parading of the Pinapple," during which the largest European-grown pinapple (usually less than 6" in diameter), is paraded from Glasgow to Hamburg. The trans-oceanic trip is made on foot by the most devout of the Pinapplists. Other religious events at Pinapplist festivals are "The sacrificial pinapple mace duel," "The sin-purging pinapple juggle" (a form of believed sanctifying self-torture) and, the "Re-name the Pinapple More Logically" contest.