How to Get to Mars in 8 Sentences

The winners were Emma and a person who called themselves "Me".

The duck, who is a deformed duck first, and is thus wingless, will make a deal with the bartender that, if you take a cup and fill it with staples the said bartender will give him five billion cases of Red Bull, he won’t tell the police that the piano player was shot, because the piano player deserved it, because he had just spilled his beer on the piano, wrecking the sound FOREVER.
Billy Joel, who, upon the conclusion that the fact that the microphone smells like beer is not so bad, because Billy Joel likes his beer, has become sedated enough to reach behind the counter and pull out five billion cases of Red Bull, then you put the cup into a really hot fire, using the unconscious Argentinian as a lever, melting both the staples and the cup.
After which, the unconscious Argentinian, who turns out to be Madonna playing Evita in Evita: The New Version Which Does Not Include Any Songs That Are Catchy, So My Sister Will Stop Singing It, carves a CD into a shuriken, attatch steel wire to it, and throws it out the window aiming for a tree, suddenly waking up as she sees Billy Joel.
Then you use your new-found zip-line to suddenly, Billy Joel and the bartender are in a fistfight over who gets to say hi to Madonna first fly across your yard and smack dab into your tree, and as a result of this, Madonna falls back down, again unconscious.
After that, the duck, who has been unnoticed all this time, lugs all the Red Bull to the train station (with some difficulty, because of his wingless situation, and the fact that Madonna cannot be used as a lever) you walk back inside the house and catch sixteen chickens in fourteen seconds, and get on the “A” train to go to Sugar Hill in Harlem, but suddenly, there is a TRAIN CRASH and all the Red Bull, which has been put in very poorly constructed cans, explodes and falls on the duck, practically drowning it in all the wetness, however, like most ducks, this duck can swim.
Suddenly, the duck does one of those weird things where it sticks its head beneath the water, and when this is done, all you can see are its tail feathers, then open the phone book and call the number to your local detergent factory.
Lastly, the duck sprouts THOUSANDS AND THOUSANDS of pairs of wings, because, of course, you jump up, miss the ground, Red Bull gives you wings, and hit the ceiling, and levitates the train beyond this atmosphere and to MARS, where the duck and all the passengers on the train (who have miraculously not died) point and stare at all the Martians, and a mother scolds her child because he CAN’T SEE the Martians, because he tried to clean his glasses, but did a horrible job, and thus it is left to the mother to clean them AGAIN.
In a strange twist of events, if these eyewitness humans and this very strange duck come back down to Earth again, missing the ground and hitting the ceiling will land you on Mars and then they will say that the train DID INDEED reach Mars.

In conclusion...this is a very accurate way to get to Mars. I've reached Mars at least 3 times this way, word for word. Except, I didn't use a "suddenly" once and found myself on Jupiter's moon...but that's not the point.

As for "the even more agravated angie"...I have thus mentioned you. And talked about you. Thus, you can not complain anymore about me not mentioning you. :-P