You're Super Whack

I walked away from them, as they yelled my name. They labeled me as a traitor. One who does not follow the code. Why? I was once with them, part of their group. What did I do to them? I "cheated". In poker. I won the pot with a pair of two's.

As I walked away from my troubled friends, my vision began to blur. All of a sudden, I fell. I fell unconscious, with flashes of blue, yellow, and green, but not black. When I awoke, I realized something. I was on a spaceship.

The army of aliens in front of me stared. Not at me, but at the machine behind me. It was very big and sci-fi-ish. It was labeled "W.H.A.C.K.". The letters stood for "We Happen to Accomadate Certain Kangaroos", I later found out. I also happen to know that whack is another word for dead. For example, "He's whack." means he's dead. "You're whack." however, means you're crazy. I decided this machine had nothing to do with kangaroos. It was used to kill people.

No! I decided I wouldn't die again, so I cast a magic spell to blow up the machine. The shrapnel flew in all directions. Quickly, I uttered a spell to protect myself from the shrpanel. It completely decimated the army in front of me. I finally grasped my talisman and I teleported back to Earth.

Yeah, that was my first plan.

I pulled out my minigun and flipped off the safety. I proceeded to shoot everyone in a mere 10 seconds. I pulled out enough C4 to blow up the ship and put it on the machine. I timed it for two minutes. In those two minutes, I shot everyone in my path to the transporter. When I finally found it, I set the coordinates to my house and teleported there as the ship blew up.

My second plan wasn't much better.

I glanced at the aliens and realized that these were no ordinary aliens. They were humans in costumes. Using my ninja-like fighting skills, I proceeded to fight everyone in a Japanese action movie. When they were all down, I burst through the ceiling to find myself underground. The self-destruct, which was activated while I was killing everyone, had twenty seconds left. I found myself flying through the air, looking for an exit. I found it, kicked open the door, and walked out as the entire complex was disintegrated.

Third time isn't a charm, apparently.

As I was thinking all of these plans, an alien came up to me. He uttered two sentences the made me shudder.

"We come in pieces. Reeses Pieces."