Goldfish

Sorry our posts have been so infrequent. I keep on getting homework...or some other extracurricular activity...and Maeve's...well, she's Maeve. She never posts. :-)

As I walked into my house, something caught my eye immediatly: goldfish. Not the food nor the fish. The word. It was stretched out across the ceiling in gold paint. What did it mean, though? I looked around the room for some sort of clue. All I found was some broken plates and a chair that was knocked over.

This was the fourth appearence in the last six days of the word "Goldfish" on a ceiling of somewhere I regularly visit. First it was my office. Then it was the Wawa down the street from my office. The third time I found it sprawled on the top of my car. And now I've found it in my house. This led me to one conclusion: someone was going to attack me. With goldfish.

Sure enough, out burst a man from the closet next to me holding a string of goldfish (the ones made of cheese, not real ones) attatched together with tape. Screaming, he yelled "DIE, GOLDFISH KILLER!" Wondering what he meant, I quickly moved out of the way as he flailed across the room, knocking himself out as he tripped over the couch, and letting go of the goldfish "weapon" which flew across across the room towards my fish tank. My room, because of this fiasco, was a complete disaster.

Quickly, I tied the man up. As I reached for the phone, he began to wake up. These first words he said to me I will never forget: "Nevada...isn't that a city somewhere in Tokyo?"

"No," I said calmly, as if talking to a child. "Nevada is a state in the US."

He seemed a little surprised, then his memory came flooding back. "YOU!" he yelled, "WHY ARE YOU AFTER ME?"

Confused, I looked at him. Surely he remembered that he was the one who attacked me with the goldfish? Then I presumed that his memory had not flooded back and he merely took his surroundings in and figured that, being tied to a chair and all, I was after him. "What's your name?"

"My name? Why should I tell you m-" he paused, blinked a few times, and continued "-y name is Freddy von McLimmel the Seventeenth. I am a native of the country "Svatzylvania". It is located in mid-Eastern Europe. Would you please help me to escape from this prison?"

This I did not expect. Freddy von McLimmel the Seventeenth was a character name an actor had created in a movie. I figured he was some sort of criminal mastermind and was trying to get me to let him go so he could kill me. I wouldn't fall for it, though. I paced back and forth, then turned suddenly and yelled "WHY ARE YOU TRYING TO KILL ME?!"

He blinked a few more times and then yelled back "THE GOVERNMENT IS AFTER ME!" He started shaking violently in the chair.

"Yeah, for a good reason, by the looks of it!"

"No, I need to get to..." he paused again and blinked some more. His composure returned, but he had a wide smile on now. "...your basement. There are flies there, which I can feed to spiders, who I can feed to parrots..."

He continued to babble about life eating life when I realized that his character was now similar to Renfield from Dracula. I thought to myself that if I could convince him I was Dracula, he might give away his plans. This man was obviously a lunatic. "SILENCE!" I yelled in my lowest, most booming voice possible. "I am the Count Dracula!"

"Master! This man, he tied me up to the chair...KILL THE DOCTOR! KILL THE DOCTOR!" He seemed extremely excited now.

"You have done me well. Now, tell me of your plans." My plan was working perfectly...until he blinked a few more times.

"Yo, fool! I'm Samuel L. Jackson, you mother $%#@#&! Why are the ^$%#&@ snakes on this ^%#!@^& plane?!" I slapped him and he blinked a few more times. "Hallo. My name is Inigo Montoya. You killed my father. Prepare to die." I showed him my hand, with only five fingers. "Oh, so you must be the Prince!" I slapped him again, he blinked. Preparing for the worst, I got ready to slap him again. "I love you, you love m-"

SLAP!

"Luke, I am your father!"

SLAP!

"Here's lookin' at you, kid."

SLAP!

"WATCH OUT FOR THE TRUCK!"

SLAP!

He stopped for a minute, looked at me in sheer terror, and slapped himself. I stood there for a minute, wondering why he slapped himself...when I realized he had untied the knots!!!! GASP! There was a moment of silence. All of a sudden he jumped up and yelled "DROP AND GIVE ME TEN!" When I ignored his order, he continued to yell. "DID YOU HERE ME, CADET?! I SAID DROP AND GIVE ME TEN!"

"No."

Before I could react, I saw a fist coming at my face, and that was the last thing I remember.