"The literary equivalent of an acid trip." -jedi_raptor07

Thursday, September 21, 2006


Wake up.

No. I don't want to find out what happened after he punched me.

Yes, you do. It's quite amusing, actually.

Wait, how would you know? You're me!

Oh, good point.

I opened my eyes...to find I was blindfolded. Dang. I lied to myself, apparenly. This wasn't amusing.

Take off the blindfold.

How can I? Aren't my hands tied...oh, they aren't. Idiot. I took off the blindfold and was greeted by a large creepy face. It was that crazy lunatic that punched me out earlier. I tried to stand and yell, but for some reason by legs were cuffed to the floor and my mouth was gagged.

Strange, isn't it, how he remembers everything except for the hands?

Shut up. I took the gag out of my mouth, which turned out to be a sock. I looked down and found my blindfold was a sock as well. The cuffs that hooked me to the ground were many socks tied together, too. Socks were everywhere, in fact. The walls, floor, and ceiling were covered with socks, the lunatic was dressed in sock-sewn shirts and pants, and he even took the oppurtunity to replace all my clothing with sock-clothing.

He stared straight at me. I stared straight back. "Hungry?" he asked.


He shoved a sock in my mouth. "Chew and swallow. It tastes good. Like sock." He took out of his pockets two sock puppets, one was blue and the other was black. "No, don't eat my brother!" he said in a high pitched falsetto voice. "He's my best friend!" He took the black one and hit the blue one. "Be quiet! Let our guest eat whatever he wants." "But it's my brother!" "So?" The lunatic became very involved in his conversation and completely forgot about me. I managed to slip out of my "sock cuffs" and was free of all sock detainers.

"Yo! Why did you take me here?"

Startled, his composure changed. I figured he switched personalities, but I was not prepared for this one. "I am Sean Delber. I am 25 years old, have a light shade of brown hair, hazel eyes, and I'm about 5 feet 5 inches." I looked at him in amazement - he was describing me! "I just got out of college. I live with my two pets, a fish named Slippy and a mouse named Furball. I temporarily work as an intern for an architct, but I hope to get a job as..." I began tuning him out, phasing out of consciousness, deciphering how he could get that much information on me.

Hey, we don't have a fish or a mouse...and we work as linguists

Oh yeah! I was scared stiff at how he knew my name that I forgot the details that didn't describe my appearance were wrong! I immediatly snapped back into reality, where the lunatic began playing with his sock puppets again. "Hey, why did you take me here?"

He turned around and said very seriously, "You killed my pet ant."

Although the phrase seems so very silly now, the way he said it sent chills down my spine.

He began to get up very slowly. "My pet ant, Sally. You stepped on her." I could tell he was very upset, but he was hiding it. "We were just out for a walk. You walked by and, without even looking down at where you're stepping, stepped on her." His eyes began to tear. "I didn't even get to say goodbye!"

I didn't know what to say. I was being accused of the murder of an ant by a lunatic. I couldn't help think, though, what was with the goldfish?

"I swore that day that I would avenge her death, so here you are." He was now shaking of rage and sadness. I did the only thing I could think at the time. I slapped him.

His posture changed in an instant. "I'll be back!" He punched me again, and I blacked out. When I awoke, I found a table sitting in the room. I was now in a different room. It looked like an interrogation chamber, actually. In the shadows stood someone who I could only presume was the insane man who torments me.


Sorry our posts have been so infrequent. I keep on getting homework...or some other extracurricular activity...and Maeve's...well, she's Maeve. She never posts. :-)

As I walked into my house, something caught my eye immediatly: goldfish. Not the food nor the fish. The word. It was stretched out across the ceiling in gold paint. What did it mean, though? I looked around the room for some sort of clue. All I found was some broken plates and a chair that was knocked over.

This was the fourth appearence in the last six days of the word "Goldfish" on a ceiling of somewhere I regularly visit. First it was my office. Then it was the Wawa down the street from my office. The third time I found it sprawled on the top of my car. And now I've found it in my house. This led me to one conclusion: someone was going to attack me. With goldfish.

Sure enough, out burst a man from the closet next to me holding a string of goldfish (the ones made of cheese, not real ones) attatched together with tape. Screaming, he yelled "DIE, GOLDFISH KILLER!" Wondering what he meant, I quickly moved out of the way as he flailed across the room, knocking himself out as he tripped over the couch, and letting go of the goldfish "weapon" which flew across across the room towards my fish tank. My room, because of this fiasco, was a complete disaster.

Quickly, I tied the man up. As I reached for the phone, he began to wake up. These first words he said to me I will never forget: "Nevada...isn't that a city somewhere in Tokyo?"

"No," I said calmly, as if talking to a child. "Nevada is a state in the US."

He seemed a little surprised, then his memory came flooding back. "YOU!" he yelled, "WHY ARE YOU AFTER ME?"

Confused, I looked at him. Surely he remembered that he was the one who attacked me with the goldfish? Then I presumed that his memory had not flooded back and he merely took his surroundings in and figured that, being tied to a chair and all, I was after him. "What's your name?"

"My name? Why should I tell you m-" he paused, blinked a few times, and continued "-y name is Freddy von McLimmel the Seventeenth. I am a native of the country "Svatzylvania". It is located in mid-Eastern Europe. Would you please help me to escape from this prison?"

This I did not expect. Freddy von McLimmel the Seventeenth was a character name an actor had created in a movie. I figured he was some sort of criminal mastermind and was trying to get me to let him go so he could kill me. I wouldn't fall for it, though. I paced back and forth, then turned suddenly and yelled "WHY ARE YOU TRYING TO KILL ME?!"

He blinked a few more times and then yelled back "THE GOVERNMENT IS AFTER ME!" He started shaking violently in the chair.

"Yeah, for a good reason, by the looks of it!"

"No, I need to get to..." he paused again and blinked some more. His composure returned, but he had a wide smile on now. "...your basement. There are flies there, which I can feed to spiders, who I can feed to parrots..."

He continued to babble about life eating life when I realized that his character was now similar to Renfield from Dracula. I thought to myself that if I could convince him I was Dracula, he might give away his plans. This man was obviously a lunatic. "SILENCE!" I yelled in my lowest, most booming voice possible. "I am the Count Dracula!"

"Master! This man, he tied me up to the chair...KILL THE DOCTOR! KILL THE DOCTOR!" He seemed extremely excited now.

"You have done me well. Now, tell me of your plans." My plan was working perfectly...until he blinked a few more times.

"Yo, fool! I'm Samuel L. Jackson, you mother $%#@#&! Why are the ^$%#&@ snakes on this ^%#!@^& plane?!" I slapped him and he blinked a few more times. "Hallo. My name is Inigo Montoya. You killed my father. Prepare to die." I showed him my hand, with only five fingers. "Oh, so you must be the Prince!" I slapped him again, he blinked. Preparing for the worst, I got ready to slap him again. "I love you, you love m-"


"Luke, I am your father!"


"Here's lookin' at you, kid."




He stopped for a minute, looked at me in sheer terror, and slapped himself. I stood there for a minute, wondering why he slapped himself...when I realized he had untied the knots!!!! GASP! There was a moment of silence. All of a sudden he jumped up and yelled "DROP AND GIVE ME TEN!" When I ignored his order, he continued to yell. "DID YOU HERE ME, CADET?! I SAID DROP AND GIVE ME TEN!"


Before I could react, I saw a fist coming at my face, and that was the last thing I remember.

Friday, September 15, 2006

The End

I was standing still in the desert when the brick hit me. I awoke in a dark place. Suddenly, the lights flashed on. Where was I? I was at the gates of Heaven.

There stood some random angel, talking to all the people. He turned towards me and said "Excuse me, your stop is ten stories below."

The End.

Ya, I know, bad ending, but I didn't know where to go. So I killed him with the brick.

Wednesday, September 13, 2006

Lone Ranger

The man in blue quickly pulled out some sort of yellow powder. He grabbed me and threw it at the Reds. They seemed to fall to the ground very slowly while changed color. By the time they hit the ground, they were orange.

"Who are you?!" I demanded, "What have you done to them?" I attempted to shove him away forcefully, but my strength seemed to leave me when I touched him.

"I am a Blue, your friend," he stated calmly. "I have merely bound their powers by turning them orange." He let go of me and pulled out what seemed to be a red crystal ball.

"Why did you say I was purple? I mean, I'm extremely pale. Heck, I'm not even wearing purple! What are you, some kind of nutjob or something?" The Blue seemed to ignore me while gazing into his little ball. "Hey, I'm talking to you!" I smacked the ball out of his hand with much force. After all, I am an ex-soldier. Well, "dead" one, that is.

As it left his grasp heading for the ground, a look of terror came over his face. When it shattered on contact with the dry desert, he started mumbling in some language I could only presume to be some ancient long-lost one. Finishing up the mumbling, he ran towards me and grabbed my wrist, jumping into the air. Higher and higher we flew when, suddenly, mist seemed to form around us. I looked down to where the Reds were through the mist. They finally had regained their composure and seemed to have become red again. One of them saw me and pointed at the Blue. A large beam of God-knows-what came out of his finger and hit the Blue square in the back. He "evaporated", for lack of a better term, leaving me to fall towards the ground. Again. I thought to myself, this is a really bad day.

Then, several things happened there that I can not explain.
1) I did not hit the ground as I fell. Instead, I stopped about a foot above the ground.
2) I looked at the Reds, who became very frightened all of a sudden when I managed to back onto the ground.
3) The Reds began to run at an inhuman rate away from me.
4) I said "Wait!"
5) They froze in place as if by an otherworldly source.
6) I said "Alright, someone is going to tell me, right now, what the hell is going on?"
8) They exploded.
7) I threatened to blow them up (with what, I wasn't sure) if they didn't answer.

Disappointed that my only sources of information were currently smoldering ashes on the floor, I began to walk. Where, I was not sure. I knew that somehow, when I died, I became a "purple". Blues were apparently my friends, Reds were not...yet they happen to take whatever I say very seriuosly. I decided that a land of allies and enemies was not one I liked. Since I was dead, I didn't want to get involved with politics again.

As I was contemplating my situation, I heard a noise. It sounded as if a volcano was erupting, though I could not see any volcano in the vicinity. Of course, the last place you look is right below you, which happened to be where a burst of lava sent me spiraling up into the air as an army of Reds poured out of the new hole in the ground. While spiraling up, I felt something familar. Rain. Each rain drop that hit the ground became a Blue. Within seconds, a large battle ensued as I continued to spiral up...and up...and up...and up. I eventuall hit some sort of barrier, a magic shield, perhaps, and began to fall for the third time today towards the ground.

Yet again, I stopped about a foot above the ground. When I regained my composure, I saw that the battle was still ensuing and that both armies were taking heavy losses. Well, me being the caring soul that I am, I yelled "Yo! You guys can kill each other all you want, but would someone please tell me what's going on here?" At that instant both armies stopped and turned towards me. I became extremely embarassed, but I figured since I had everyone's attention, I might as well make use of it. "What's going on?"

Within seconds, every single soldier in the armies began trying to persuade me to join their side, as I was the legendary Purple with powers of both Reds and Blues. Haha! Finally! An answer! Now, I couldn't make a decision with all this yelling, so I yelled "Yo! SHUT UP!" Although their mouthes kept moving, not a sound came. I thought to myself that famous quote..."With great power comes great responsibility..." What they don't tell you is that the rest of the quote says "to have fun."

In my suddenly booming voice, I yelled "I have decided...that I will not join either side. In fact, I alone shall defeat both armies."

In a puff of smoke and water vapor, the armies in front of me disappeared. I was left alone in the desert, with no way to tell anything apart. Before I got hit by a falling brick from the sky, I thought to myself: This day sucks.

Saturday, September 09, 2006

Red or Blue?

The "Whack" story will be continued later, as I ran out of ideas and asked Maeve to continue it...so whenever she does, that's when it'll continue. In the meantime, to give you guys some meat, I have another story.

Lasers zipped around like a fancy, but deadly, light show! Flashes of green, red, blue, yellow, purple, and even black filled the room! My gun ran out of energy, however, and I was forced to use my time crystal to freeze everyone. I quickly realized that I would have to escape instead of stealing someone else's weapon. Looking around, I found a window and quickly jumped out it. Unfortunately for me, I had forgotten I was on the top story of a mile-high deserted office building. I fell rather quickly, I found. The ground ever approaching, I tried to get ahold of my time crystal to warp to somewhere less...dangerous. It fell out of my hands, however, and I continued falling to the desert ground. Knowing I would die, I saw my life flash before my eyes:

"Bruce! Get over here, mate, and eat your suppa!"
"Give me a second! I'm on the last level!"

It was then I realized an important fact: All my life, I thought my name was Ben. This realization must have triggered something...a fail-safe, perhaps, for at that moment everything went dark. I could hear voices...

"Is he going to make it?"
"No, he's already dead."

Dead? I couldn't be dead! I was hearing this! I quickly rose from the ground I and yelled "I'M NOT DEAD!" Two men, presumably the two who had spoken before, turned from another person on the ground. They both wore red suits and pink sunglasses. There was one distinct feature, however, that set them apart from most humans. They had tails.

One of them walked towards me, obviously puzzled. "Why would you say that? I mean, that is your body we're hovering over, isn't it?"

Shocked, I pushed him out of the way to see what he was talking about. Sure enough, I saw myself. I didn't look so good, actually. In fact, if I wasn't standing there looking at myself, I might have actually believed I was dead! I casually turned towards the two men. "I obviously can't be dead as I am standing here."

There was a pause as both men looked at each other. Then they both burst into a mad cackle, clutching their stomachs with glee. The one who hadn't spoken before regained his composure, although there was a clear struggle within himself not to fall onto the ground laughing, as the other man was now doing. "We're Reds. Only the spirits of people who were whacked can see us." Once he spat it out, he immediatly burst into another fit of mad cackling.

As I tried to sort this out in my mind, I realized something! "I wasn't killed," I yelled, "I accidentaly committed suicide!"

The two men gasped, a horrid intake of breath. "But...that means..."

A flash of light blinded all three of us temporarily. When we regained our eyesight, everything was shining. My sight was drawn to man dressed in blue. "That's right," he said in a booming voice that struck fear in the hearts of the Reds. "He's a purple."

Friday, September 08, 2006

Great Expectations

Since you have waited so long for this post, expectations for its brilliance are high. That's too much pressure. I'm going to go take a nap.