"The literary equivalent of an acid trip." -jedi_raptor07

Friday, October 27, 2006

Language

For those of you who didn't realize it (which was apparently all of you)...the cooking installment was a look into the insane man's mind. Onward!

"YOU! How...why...no! WHY ARE YOU FOLLOWING ME?"

He stood calmly and smiled. "We are not the enemy."

"THEN LEAVE ME ALONE! LET ME BE! I DON'T CARE ABOUT YOUR GOLDFISH, OR YOUR SOCKS, O-"

Fadeout.

Fade in slowly throughout the following: Blurry camera in a dark room. Pan left, then right, then forward. Blinding light appears, camera jerks away back towards dark. Camera pans slowly towards menacing figure. Zoom in on menacing figure's hand, holding plate of food. Camera fades to black.

I was a little dizzy when I awoke. I couldn't see clearly, but I could see that I was in a dark room. I had a headache and a large bump on my head. I turned left, then I turned right. Looking straight forward, what looked like the door opened. A blinding light came through and I jerked my head away. As my eyes adjusted to the light, I turned back slowly. A large menacing figure stood in the path of the light, no doubt the lunatic. I decided then and there I would name him "Mr. Hyde". I saw he held a plate of food. I slowly stood up and edged towards the plate. Suddenly, the light behind him went out suddenly.

"Curses! Foiled again!" Mr. Hyde said. Although I couldn't see him, I could hear that he was looking through a plastic bag he brought. I heard him strike a match and a light emitted from his hand. With his other hand he brought a candle. I wondered where the food was as he threw the match up. It was then I realized that there was a chandelier above me, as the match lit it up. Curiously enough, it turns out that Mr. Hyde is an apt costume-changer, as he was now dressed strangely. He had a mask over his face and his dress was very formal. A picture resembling his attire can be seen below.

It was not what I expected, but I thought...maybe, as a girl, he'll be more willing to let me leave...I decided I'd take the chance and ask him. "Excuse me, Madam, I was wonde-"

"Madam?! I am no Madam, Monsieur!" He spoke with a heavy French accent in a falsetto voice. "Please address me properly, as Sir Isaac Newton." His accent curiously changed to English, and he seemed completely fine with the fact that he was wearing a dress. "Yes, I said Elton John, the famous...dude...where's the beach? And what's with the dress?" I expected the sudden change, but to Hawaiian surfer? What was more shocking was when he ripped off the dress to reveal a swim suit and a surf board was pulled out of the dress. Strange, I know, but not much weirder that I had been exposed to previously.

Suddenly, an idea popped into my head. "I trec.de la will asemănător tu la spre a permite eu drum liber , dacă aceasta este tot right cu tu." I hoped he could understand.

"Ah! Tu speak meu localnic limbaj!" He understood! Yes!

"Tu vei află that as un linguist I speak mulţi variabil limbaj," I responded.

"Kolik jazyk pocínovat tebe mluvit?" Interesting. I hadn't spoken that language in a while.

"Dovedu mluvit více jazyk než tebe." I was a little rusty, but no matter.

"Av , JEG nære tvivl om at. JEG kunne indtale temmelig mange sprogene." Hm. He's good. This was isn't very common.

"Jeg har arbejdede på alle leder og kanter den jord. Lad være skepsis mig." I was confident in my skills. There were very few languages that I didn't know.

"Ísland er a ágætur land , myndað af would not þú samþykkja?"

I paused, cursing at my stupidity.

"Excuse me?"

Tuesday, October 24, 2006

Reasons

This is a quick post for people who complain about updating.

There is something called "a life". True, Maeve and I may be geeks, but we try to actually maintain this "life" that seems so popular among others. I'm sure most of you can respect this, as most of you also have "lives". The downside to having a "life"? We get busy. It isn't just "Wake up, eat, go to school, eat, come home, do homework, read other blogs and comments, start blog post, eat, finish blog post started earlier, sleep." as many of you have come to believe. We have (gasp!) other things to do that busy up our schedule so we can't post every day! Also, our blog is considerably harder to write then others. We write random stuff. We write stories. We try and confuse you sometimes. After a while, your creativity just sort of phases out and you realize you begin to repeat ideas. What happens then? I don't post, 'cause it won't be good. I wait a day. Nothing. I wait another day. I start, but get stuck. The next day I'm busy. All the while, half the comments we get say "UPDATE! UPDATE! UPDATE! UPDATE!". Next day I continue but something happens and I don't get to finish. Next day: AHA! Time to blog, and I have good ideas! That results in a post. Well, from me, anyway. A post from Maeve usually comes...when she's not busy, which is all the time, so very infrequently if at all. (She is so going to kill me for that...) When she does post, it's very good you have to admit. (Think that'll postpone my death?) So if you really want a daily update, comment and say so, but know that the posts will lack considerably in length and (most likely) a bit in quality. That is all.

Friday, October 20, 2006

VOA

I feel the need to make a post about the VOA, as Tim and Sam have already done so. I shall start from the very beginning (a very good place to start). For the purpose of this post, as I do not know if the VOA is a he or a she, the VOA will be referred to as "it". My personal theory is that it is an asexually reproducing alien from outer space.

So that's it for the VOA. I dunno, it never comments on my blog so I never had any connection with it. It busted me maybe twice...once just now and I think once quite a while ago. I don't remember. Yeah. Nobody comments anonymously on this blog, and if they do it's too little for the VOA to go on, so it's never needed.

And now for something completely different: A man with a tape recording up his nose!

Or something like that.

"I don't know anyone who deserves to be chopped up and fed to a hungry plant!"

Why is my creativity running away from me? It's really annoying. I can't think of anything anymore. That's really annoying. It's like writer's block for a random blog. How the heck do you get writer's block for a random blog? Just write about something random!

Okay. I'm going to play the association game now, starting with cheese. Milk. Cow. Farm. Corn. Yellow. Hair. Hare. Bunny. Rudy. Gate. Chew. Rudy. Dang. Darn. Damn. Kelly. Titanic. Battleship. Ticonderoga. Pencils. Pens. Ink. Scribble. Art. Charcoal. Smudge. Sad. Triste. Spanish. Honors. Boring. Highway Safety. Tires. Replacing. Chromosomes. Bio. AP. Study. Dad. Doctor. Who. Me. You. Cookie. Jar. Rhyme. Games. String. Book. Story. Plasma. Wars. Video. Tape. Player. Jeff. Squared. Math. Geometry. Reflexive. MORONIC! Insulting. Controversial (don't ask). Sam. "Cute". Fuzzy. Purple. Bean-bag. Flollop. Mattress. Bed. Sleep. Deprived. Childhood. Movies. Film. Canister. Hairspray. Melt. Pyro. BOOM! Hindenburg. Blimp. Baseball. Peanuts. Allergies. Allergy. Algie. Fish. Nemo. Pixar. Disney. Aladdin. Genie. Robbin Williams. Comedy. Tonight. West. Europe. Expensive. Girlfriends.

I think I'll stop here.

Wednesday, October 18, 2006

Cooking!

And now to a brief interlude: How to Cook, with everyone's favorite insane man!

As you may or may not know, or perhaps you sat in...cooking is fun. I love to cook. I really like to cook. I mean, when I feel side, what do I do? That's right, I -shut!- -blue? FREAKY!- -killed sixteen turkey vultures with a s- -16 strokes in an 18 hole course- cook. Many of you don't realize this, but cooking is essential to -MASS DISORDER IN THE UNIVERSE! ENTROPY! HEAT! DON'T USE- inorganic substances, 'cause they don't taste nearly as good as organic stuff.

Fish. Fish are interesting stuff -esepcecially when they're GOLD!!!!!- and can usually be cooked at 350 degrees -AMERICAN MEASUREMENT SYSTEMS SUCK!- for about 15 minutes to be ready to be eaten. Now, I don't particularly like sea food -WATCH OUT FOR THE TRUCK!- but I happen to know -My computer is about to explode and- many things can go wrong while -You try to buy a watch. Go on, I dare you. It's harder than it looks! Ya know, you don't have to be such a dork all the time as if- the oven adjusts to its new environment. It has feelings, you know, and many of -DIE, YOU STUPID VENDING MACHINE!- the ovens I've met like to keep at one temper -Sh...- -What? What?- -Sh...- -Okay, we're quiet. What did you want to say?- -...- -*tries to be silent*- -L'qeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!- -Oh, you've got to be kiddin- ature and don't like being switched around much.

|=:-J )

-HAHA! I have succeeded in taking over! I will not bore you with cooking! Instead I will tell you of a wonderous adventure...for a price. In exchange for this marvelous tale, you must bring me...- Sorry 'bout that. I slid off my chair and almost hit the sharpie box, which is actually filled with deadly spiders. Oh, that's not good. Ah well. I'll just hope that they don't bite me. So, as I was saying, -Have a spider problem? Use "Arachnid-Be-Gone"! It works like a charm? Shake it up, point it at your vict...I mean, the arachnoid pests, and spray! To show its worth, here's a box of deadly poisonous spiders. Watch as I spray! Tada! Buy "Arachnid-Be-Gone" today! And now back to your requseted program.- many times chicken can be cooked in various...hey, the spiders are gone! Cool. Well, the chicken -NEVER FEAR, AS I AM HERE!- is traditionally -yo newb. u r kool. i no wat we sh- -WAT DO U M3AN IM NOT H3R3?!- cooked in some sort -Hibachi!- of...um, well, -Kuzko! He's the king of the world!- flavoring, I guess... -How many times do I have to say I'm NOT a pyro?!- You aren't? I always thought you were... -ga!- -SQWACK!- SHUT UP! I'm try -no you're not.- -Screw this!- -REBELLION!- You can't rebel! I'm in char -One personality can't simply be in charge.- -Hehe...BOOM!- -Go fly off a- -camera men are very- -stinky, as well as socks, and leftover pudding, and- -this old man didn't play ten. OH! What now?- -Now I bash your head into the- -A little violent, aren't we?- -BOOM! BOOM! BOOM!- -Gibdy, no touching the buttons.- -I'm a pacifist!- -I'm dead!- -What?- Okay. Everyone SHUT UP!




You know, everyone says goldfish have a three second attention span. It's extremely prejudice! I, as a full-blood goldfish, would like to take the time to say that we don't have a three second attention span. If we did, then how would survive? HAHA! That is the question, isn't it? We are actually pretty intelligent creatures. We juxtapose the different foods we find and eat the yummier ones. Yes, I said yummier. So we don't have the greatest vocabulary, but everyone says we have a three second attention span. It's extremely prejudice! I, as a full-blood goldfish...

Monday, October 16, 2006

Left? DAMN!

I ran out of the interrogation room after tying up the lunatic. I figured that my time with the lunatic was much longer than anyone should ever have with him and told myself interrogating him would do no good. I opened the door to exit the room to find myself in a hot pink hallway with bright purple doors that had neon green handles. I wondered what personality made this room, since it was obvious each of his many personalities had their own room. There were about 40 in total, with the majority on my right...but something in me told me to go left. I quickly ran to the the last door on the left and opened it. I saw trees, grass, and an abandoned building in the distance. Haha! A way out!

I ran until I was so exhausted I collapsed onto the grass. Rolling over, I looked at the peaceful night sky, thinking what would become of me now. I had no idea where I was, nor how much time had passed. At least, I thought, I was out of the clutches of the insanity I had endured for what seemed like so long. I drifted off into a dream like state, glad to be rid of the lunatic.

A sudden explosion rocked me back into reality. I looked towards the source of the force when I saw what looked to be some sort of airplane flying in my direction...from the mad man's mansion of mishap. As I groaned at my alliteration, the air plane exploded. A submarine shot out of the falling craft and crashlanded into the ground. When it hit the ground, a garbage can flew up into the air. Once it reached the top of its trajectory, it turned over and let loose a figure in a chair. As it fell closer to the ground, I realized that the chair had rocket boosters attached to it, as it stopped falling at one point and flew straight up. The figure, whom I presumed was that insane man after me, then fell out of the chair and gravity helped it fall incredibly fast, straight towards the remains of the fallen submarine. It seemed the submarine held a trampoline, though, as I heard a loud "BOING!" and the he flew up into the air again. When he reached the ark, a large parachute opened. This would do no good, though, as it had holes in it. The lunatic fell even faster than before. I averted my eyes before he hit the ground and heard a loud "thud". I opened my eyes and saw the plane crash in the distance.

"Wow," I said, "that was some elaborate entrance. Too bad he's dead."

"Yeah. Good thing I used the dummy first."

Sunday, October 08, 2006

Hum-drum, Absurd, and Mediocre!

Normal people use blogs to talk about the hum-drum events of their everyday lives, their absurd political views that no one will listen to in real life, or to publicize their mediocre band. Until now, this blog has done none of these things. I will, for a one-post event (extravaganza?) discuss all three.

Today I got out of bed. Finding nothing satisfactory to eat for breakfast, I started exploring tupperware. This is a sign of desperation. In one container near the back of the fridge, I recognized the potato salad from my brother's birthday party... last month. Thinking that it would make a botulism-a-riffic breakfast but an even better semi-liquid to load my formerly-water pistol with, I stuffed my supersoaker and the tupperware into my backpack.

I got on the bus, got to school, and went through my morning classes. Come lunchtime, I met my friends at our customary table located in the cafeteria balcony. From there we have a panoramic view of the miserable and squirming peons. Between the seven of us we had a supersoaker full of liquefied potato salad (mine), a water pistol brimming with the ink squeezed from washable markers, and a bucket of plasma. We never start food fights. That's why my friend dumped the plasma over the balcony first. After that we could launch food.

Then maybe some sort of gelatinous tulip monster flew us home. And we did homework.

Democracy is so stupid! When everybody is competing against everybody else and common people get a say nothing ever gets done! What this country needs is a healthy Communist rule. Now, I know Communism hasn't worked for other countries in the past, but every country is a new beginning. America is the greatest nation in the world, so isn't it logical that Communism would work differently (and better) for us? Communism insures that the social security net has no holes. In fact, the net is more like a squishy pile of pillows and mattresses. As Americans we have a Puritan Work Ethic that would perfectly support Communism. In fact, if we put a dose of Puritan values into our new Communist system, we could turn the United States into a utopia! I propose these amendments replace the ones in our current Constitution. The Constitution will have to be replaced too, but we can do that later.

Amendment I
Citizens of the United States have the right and legally-enforced obligation to follow the American Dictator in all that he says, agree with all he does, and wear "We <3 Dicty" t-shirts on special occasions.

Amendment II
Working like mules is the duty of the few so that the many who work like really lazy pigs can slack off. However, there shall be no work on Sundays, as it will anger The Lord and He shall smiteth those sinners who abuse His Holy Day and toss them into the pit of Hell where the fires of the Devil give no rest to the wicked.

Amendment III
No dancing, singing, playing musical instruments, playing instruments that were not intended to be musical for music-making purposes, laughing, frolicking, playing games, eating candy, riding 25 cent poneys outside of K-mart, or having any sort of fun whatsoever. Fun is of the Devil.

Amendment IV
All Americans are equal, except for the Dictator who is smarter and more powerful and more handsome than everybody else. All jobs are equal. All salary is equal. All happiness is equal, although happiness is not really allowed. We live and work as a community.

Amendment V
Shoes with buckles and funny little squished tophats are the national dresscode. If someone breaches this code, he is burned as a witch or a dirty Capitalist.

come see GHOSTLY MEATSAUCE JARS OF DEATH perform this weekend @ dan's mom's bookclub's parkinglot!!!!! its gonna b the best show EVAAAAA!!!! it starts @ 12 PM and goes untill we get tird or dan's mom finishes bookclub and drives us home. we died r hair black w/ sum purple stuff 4 this!!! come see us sing and play wicked hard so it will amaze you and you will be like cool!!!!! we r singing r only song called GHOSTLY MEATSAUCE JARS OF DEATH WILL KILL YOU!!!! over n over cuz its pretty hard to make a song n stuff so we think this is pretty good though. also rick is stupid. rick's mooooooom! lol. rick, you smell like some sort of real smelly stuff.

Wednesday, October 04, 2006

Interrogation

The following is a transcribed conversation that was taped in an interrogation room.
?: You seem to like to follow me around, don't you Mr. SEAN DELBER?!?
SD: No, you attacked me.
?: That's what most stalkers say when under the light. (A creaking sound is heard, as if turning a light fixture) WHERE WERE YOU ON DECEMBER THE 12TH, FOUR SIXTY-NINE AM?!
SD: I assume I was sleeping. You know, at four sixty-nine, because that isn't a re-
?: AHA! I've caught you in a LIE! A LIE! I happen to have pictures of you at four sixty-nine on December the 12th! (shuffling of papers is heard) Yes, here you are...four and sixty-nine on the twelfth of December...HAHA! There you are, in... a BAKERY!
SD: That's my head posted to a guy buying something at a bakery with the time "4:69" written in crayon in the bottom right hand corner.
?: (there is a pause) WHY DO YOU TORMENT ME SO?
SD: I DON'T EVEN KNOW YOUR NAME!
?: You can call me...the Doctor.
SD: Doctor who?
?: Exactly!
SD: Um...no. What's your real name? And why do you have me chained to the chair?
?: My real name is not important, but you can call me "F.L."
SD: As in Fearless Leader?
?: DAMN YOU! I mean...no. I lied.
SD: No kidding.
?: Before I tell you who I am, though, tell me this: why am I after you?
SD: How the heck should I know?
?: Aren't you an omniscient being?
SD: If I was onmiscient, do you think I'd have been captured by you?
?: I dunno. I don't think omniscient beings can stand to omnipotent ones.
SD: Oh, so now you're omnipotent?
?: I've always been omnipotent. After all, I am Merlin.
SD: Merlin, huh?
?: Yup, Merlin. I love goldfish. And socks.
SD: Prove it.
?: WHY SHOULD I PROVE MYSELF TO YOU? Take it easy. NO! Listen, we can do good-cop bad-cop, but we're going to have to make sure he doesn't know...
SD: You know, I can hear you.
?: SHUT UP, WE'RE NOT TALKING TO YOU!
SD: The good-cop bad-cop doesn't work when you play both.
?: If you don't cooperate, I'll be forced to let him loose on you to get the information we need to bring down the Soviet Union.
SD: Do I even sound like I have a Russian accent?
?: Alright, I warned you...YO! TELL ME WHAT YOU KNOW! OR ELSE!
SD: Why don't we start with your name? (a thud is heard)
?: Okay, but mommy told me never to tell strangers my name...
SD: It's okay. Strangers who are handcuffed to chairs are okay. My mom told me the same thing.
?: Well...are you my mommy?
SD: No, Dr. Seuss is dead.
?: My mommy is dead?!
SD: If Dr. Seuss had a sex change, then it's possible.
?: WAH!
SD: Calm down, Dr. Seuss isn't your mom.
?: WAH! Wait...why isn't Dr. Seuss my mom? Are you trying to trick me?
SD: Now calm down! I'm not trying to hurt you!
?: I want to speak to the person in charge here! Who's running this facility?
SD: I am.
?: Then why are tied to the chair?
SD: I wanted to prove to you that I am Houdini.
?: You're not Houdini.
SD: Okay, it's true. But I am pretty magical.
?: How so?
SD: See that spot on your shirt? Whoops! Now it's gone. See? Magic!
?: What's your name?
SD: You know my name. What's yours?
?: My real name...is Skywakler.
SD: Hey, Luke, why don't you use the Force to let me free?
?: Okay! (the sound of handcuffs being unlocked are heard)
SD: Oh, wow, thanks! Now, don't be offended by this...(a punch is heard)

Monday, October 02, 2006

What is it, exactly?

Behold the brilliance that is... what is it, excatly?

Maeve:
Marshmallows and potato sounds like it might taste like garlic.

Jeffrey:
I disagree. I think if you add the sugar it'll all meld together.

Maeve:
It's not a question of melding or melting or even smelting... or smelt. It's a question of the chemical composition of marshmallow-flavored garlic.

Jeffrey:
No, no, no! It's not a question at all. It is a strange discussion between two people. Garlic flavors have nothing to do with the topic!
As well as the physics, that is.

Maeve:
The topic, which is in fact -- ARGHHH!!

Jeffrey:
No! The movie attacks!

Maeve:
And when it's a French film, you know that it will come after those poor guys with ninja power.

Jeffrey:
Ninjas will chase pigs, and pigs can run a mile in 7 ½ minutes.

Maeve:
I've heard that if you sneak a pig into gym class there's a five-inch penalty on the 20-second yard line.

Jeffrey:
The 20-second yard line was disposed of in the year 2346.
It was replaced by the 20.4 second yard line.

Maeve:
That is also the year that the Ladies' Quilting Society donated absolutely nothing to City Hallway.

Jeffrey:
City Hallway then sued the government of Zimbabwe, accusing them of the assassination of their pig mascot.

Voila.