"The literary equivalent of an acid trip." -jedi_raptor07

Saturday, January 27, 2007

The People Called It Ragtime!

I'd like to analyze two famous quotes by Humphrey Bogart.

"Here's looking at you, kid."

'Here's' is contraction of "Here is". The next word, looking, combines with "is" to make "is looking", which is a progressive verb. The first three words, then, are a complete thought. The person "Here is looking". Here is looking, but at what? "at you, kid." The person Here, then is looking at a child. The entire thought obviously means that the person Here is looking at a child. Why would here be looking at a child? Maybe you should watch the movie and find out!

“A hot dog at the ball park is better than steak at the Ritz.”

"hot dog" is a canine who's body temperature has elevated above normal. "at the ball park" explains where the "hot dog" was - a parking lot in front of the building hosting the ball. "is better than" is a comparative statement. "steak" is dead cow. "at the Ritz." explains where the dead cow is. The entire statement literally reads that a dog in pain in a parking lot outside a ball is better than a dead cow inside a better place. Metaphorically, this means that being alive is better than being dead.

Tuesday, January 23, 2007

Sing, Swing!

Savor the sting! As she severs you, Madame Guillotine!

Name the musical without the use of Google. :-)

Horoscopes are never right.

Hee. That reminds me of "My Lips are Sealed". Funny skit.

More about Ted:


In jail.

In jail, with big guys.

In jail with really big guys.

In jail with reallybig guys who are murderous criminals.

Who would you expect to be in control of everyone?

That's right, it's the geeky professor who blew up the college.

He's the cool one. He's the guy in charge. What he says, goes.

That is, until she came along.

She was all that Ted was, but more. She managed to blow up the college with a stick of bubble gum and the skin of a lemon. Only she knows how she managed that.

Ted wasn't going to stand for this.

Neither was she.





Thursday, January 18, 2007


I always wondered why they have different fonts. I mean, most of them are fairly similar and easy to read. Perhaps it's because of school projects. Yup.

Oh! I've got it! It's to represent different handwriting styles! For instance, this could be mine...and this could be Maeve's! At least, it would be...but she's not here, so I can't run it by her.

Time to start the random story!

Tanya was a Russian staying in Lithuania. She had managed to get help and flee the country from...them. She hid in a suitcase quietly for six days as the people she was traveling with and eventually found herself in a very real danger - the metal detector. When the suitcase went through, it went "BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP!" The cops began to search the suitcase. Many times, they almost caught her...but they never looked inside the box inside the suitcase!

Continuing on from the checkpoint, her company continued on Southward until they reached Lithuania. They had no further incidents while getting there. The men and women who helped her found an apartment and left the suitcase there, without unpacking, leaving for the supermarket. Hours passed, and Tanya began to get worried. Worry was not quite the right emotion, though, as soon after a missile hit the apartment and flung the suitcase out the window, scattering the contents onto the street!

Tanya didn't have to wait long, though. She was picked up as some civilians were fleeing the city. Carrying with them they had several cans of beans. "Oh, great," she thought, "I hate beans."

The civilians finally stopped running and started a fire. Cooking the beans, they opened the suitcase...and found Tanya. "Hey, guys, I found another spoon!"

Yes, that's right, Tanya was a spoon. Why do you think she was so scared of the metal detector?

Got a problem with that?

No? I didn't think so.

Yes? Well, you're crazy, then.

Maybe? Flappin' flollogers, flying flugles float flawlessly!

(No, I don't even know what that means.)

Monday, January 15, 2007

For No Reason

Spoons are maniacal. They want to take over the world. It's true. Just ask any spoon - they'll confess everything.

My dad used to say "Brooklyn is a chicken." I'm not sure why.

I switched it from "Jeff & Maeve" to "Maeve & Jeff" to reflect the superiority of females.

The reason my clothes are piled on the ground in my room is because I'm doing a scientific experiment on the half-life of a certain radioactive isotope in cotton. It's true.

I feel bad for ants. They're so small...and insignificant...and they creep me out in large groups, so Sam tried to light them on fire at my house once. I had no part in it, it was all him.

"One-eyed, one-horned, flying purple people eater!"

The spoons are attacking again! Hide the soup!

Curiosity really is evil. I just found that out now.

Yeah. I just died. Oh well.

Oh, I'm back to life. That's weird.


Printers don't like to print stuff, which is why they break down a lot.

Saturday, January 13, 2007


No idea. I had an idea, but I lost it.

Wednesday, January 10, 2007


Ted was one of the most beloved professors at the college. He taught the extraordinarily popular classes "Blowing Stuff Up 201", "Blowing Bigger Stuff Up 202", and "Blowing Really Big Stuff Up 301". These classes, while dangerous, were by far the most fun in the college, with the only other class that rivaled it in popularity was the "Bowling" class.

Teaching these popular classes required a sense of humor, as nearly blowing up a student (or himself) happens quite often. In fact, more often than not, at least one person is put in severe danger in a single class. This led to many complaints from parents and a "Danger: This Class may Kill You" warning was placed on the class description and the size of the class was reduced to 5 students each.

Ted was not too happy about this, so he blew up the college.

No one was injured; he made sure that he pulled the fire alarm first.

The moral of this story is never to eat a bologna sandwich while flying headfirst into a solution of toxic waste and sharpies.

Thursday, January 04, 2007

And Then There Were None!

Well, actually... there were a few, but they don't really count because they were rather boring people. They weren't the sort of people one would expect to commit a murder. This element of boringness was, in fact, the very element that made their adventure so exciting.


Sigh. Now I have to finish writing this. Well, here goes! I'm continuing on from the last sentence only. And apparently I forgot to save this yesterday, so I have to REWRITE EVERYTHING!!! Blech.

Well, not so much adventure as...attack. A very large attack. In fact, you might call it a "battle". Er, a series of battles. Sort of like a "war". It was a pathetic war, though, because they only managed to kill one person. This was an accomplishment for them, so don't make fun of them. After all, they were just a bunch of goblins!

See, it all started when the humans came. The humans didn't even try to acknowledge that the goblins might be intelligent - they just assumed they were stupid. This wasn't very convenient for the goblins, who (as curious creatures) went up to ask the humans what they were doing. Most of them got shot. After a while, though, the goblins realized something: the humans were dangerous.

The goblins declared an all-out war against the humans. To understand how this does absolutely nothing in the goblin world, one must get to know the typical goblin persona. Most goblins have an extreme sense of self-preservation, and will refuse to do anything that puts them in any danger. Scout the enemy troops? No, sir! Hunt a wild animal for food? Better luck with other species. Go to the doctors? Hell no! When the war was declared and volunteers were asked to fight as soldiers, the total number was 2: the goblin who asked for the volunteers and the goblin who lost the dare.

The Goblin Chief, or the TGC, decided to become a little more forceful and enacted a sort of "draft". He called it off when he was chosen.

After amassing a large army of goblins (give or take eight million) they began their attacks. The orders were frequently "Run for your lives!" and "Everyone but me - CHARGE!" Thousands of goblins lost their lives in these attacks, mostly because of poor management. After all, nobody told them that part of being a soldier was attacking the enemy!

They did, however, manage to kill a single enemy. The enemy, though, was one of their own. The TGC had betrayed them - he had sided with the humans! At least, that's what everyone thought when he came back with one of their weapons. While trying to figure out how to use this strange tool, the goblins attacked him, fearing for their lives. A passive race, instead of tearing him to shreds there, they threw him to the ravenous beasts in the caves.

The goblins slowly realized their primitive weapons would not work. Appointing a new chief, they began work on the "fire spewer". Several weeks later, they had a finished product. The "fire spewer" required mass preparation to work correctly. Dry leaves must be collected and placed in a line to the victim. A fire then will be lit on the leaf-trail and head towards the victim. Stunned by the ingenious moving fire, the victim would stand still in terror until burned. (Tests indicate further revisions are necessary. When firing the weapon, it is possible to burn down many trees. The goblins who liked to eat the leaves on these particular trees died of starvation after refusing to eat the leaves of other trees. "Although a potent weapon," the new chief said, "it is also a dangerous one!")

It was time for the goblins final attack. After laying dry leaves around the human camp, they lit the leaves on fire. To their shock, a foamy substance sprayed out from strange canisters and put the fire out very quickly after a human spotted it. Devastated that their weapon did not work, many of the goblins stood frozen for days. Soon after, they were enveloped by a devastating fire emanating from a large vehicle rising fast into the sky, with the humans inside. By this time, there were very few goblins left after the war.

The destruction of the goblin race was not due to the humans, however. A meteor came crashing into the planet, throwing it off course and into the sun. The sun, which was reaching the end of it's life, soon after exploded in a super nova and then collapsed into a black hole, effectively killing anything not dead at that point.

I have no idea what this has to do with Maeve's beginning post, but the title fits!